What troubles you?
Of course we all have our troubles, Mine always come out to taunt me. They poke like an unruly classmate digging their ruler in your back, just to be annoying. I think about my troubles as they appear out of nowhere with a lingering feeling of doubt, Why does it not surprise me?
Did I go for the extra insurance option……..no……..of course not.
I am a risk taker, The person who always says yes to most things regardless of the consequences. Crikey, I would have missed out on so much in my life if I had just played safe, crossed all the T’s and dotted all the i’s.
So when the inevitable happens, do I scold myself? Not at all, I can always say, Oh well, at least I got to blah, blah, blah, at least. Life has a knack for balance.
I was sitting in a cafe in Mumbai, India, when over the airwaves unexpectedly and unannounced, Creedence Clearwater Revival, a group from the early seventies, started singing the song “Have you ever seen the Rain”. Outside it was hot and dusty, It had not rained here for months. I remember the song, fondly, my first boyfriend bought me their album, back in the day, when I was learning to say YES to everything that came my way. Much to the horror of my Mother.
Saying Yes to everything for the sheer hell of it and yet somehow I was lucky to avoid the drug scene. My Mother scared me too much on the issue and I was sensible enough to agree with her. However I could get to the places in my mind that I wanted to be without any help from illegal substances. My world was mystical magical and full of colour. I was told I had an imagination before I could spell the word. My free wandering spirit was cost free. I dressed in long floral dresses and embraced the music of my time. The early seventies allowed it. Some will say I was lucky. I felt lucky and that meant I could be a tad reckless at times
My mother found a picture of me kissing a boy against a tree. I still have the picture. I was 15 and hopelessly thought I had fallen in love. I think he had too. Our youth was caught in an illusion of innocence. I am reading a book on Disraeli, where he writes a phrase, ‘Free from anxiety within the fragrance of youth.’ I remember that feeling, My mother never found out about the other things I got up to, some I cannot write about, but giggle to myself thinking there, is not one ounce of regret that I hold in me today. My youth was fragrant indeed.
It started raining when I got divorced from the boy I had kissed up against the tree so I bought a huge umbrella and sheltered. No storm was ever going to send me home dripping like a half drowned rat. I braved more storms and each time, I came out stronger.
However, storms in life come again and again as we learn to look forward to rainbows. There is not much we can do about the weather.
I left Bombay as Covid19 struck. I took a risk and travelled to Thailand, before realising this storm was not going to end for the foreseeable future. We were going to have to batten down the hatches, cover our faces and run for our caves until safe to venture outside. But it is still raining out there and life inside is getting damp and miserable.
We are entering a mindset so alien to me, I am waiting for the inevitable to happen. I know I will take a risk and venture outside before it is safe to do so. I am searching rainbows now because I am not a cave dweller, well not for long and I know I am not alone.
Ask yourself, have ever seen the rain? I can honestly say yes I have. Sometimes we have to get wet, to brave the storm. We will dry off and the sun will come out. Tell yourself this every day, until you believe it so strongly.